Many introverts get it sooner or later: the advice to take assertiveness training. "Because you have to learn to stand up for yourself." But it's not always the best solution.
Let's take a step back: what does someone who gives you such advice actually say? That you have to be very direct to stand up for yourself? That you have to be blunt? Or, in other words: that your natural style isn't ok? If you hear that often enough, you will start to really believe it.
Many introverts blame themselves for not being not as bold as many others and would like to be able to respond more spontaneously. They mainly see what they cannot do, instead of appreciating the unique qualities that they do have. They will often end up attending or at least looking for an assertiveness course sooner or later. That course will teach them all sorts of tricks that do not match their more introverted nature. Actually using those tricks will lead to loss of energy sooner or later.
Instead of learning unnatural tricks, it's better to accept yourself as you are, to recognize your unique strength and to make use of it. This means being assertive in a way that suits you. A few tips:
Ask for time to think
Because introverts think first and then speak, it sometimes takes a little longer until they can answer a question. If you suddenly get a question that you do not have an immediate answer to, do know that it is not strange at all to ask for a little reflection time. Let the other person know that you have heard and understood the question and that you will come back to it a little later, because that is your way of doing it. If you fully support this decision, you will see that it is easier for others to understand.
Use your own language
Making very direct comments and confronting others in a discussion is usually not the way introverts communicate. Another, still assertive, way of communicating is by asking deeper questions. Questions like "Could you explain that further?" or "Can you tell us more about how that works exactly?" show that you are present in the discussion, while not having to confront others.
Do your homework
Introverts are usually very well prepared because they do not like to be surprised during a meeting or discussion. They read a lot and know what they are talking about, which makes them good problem solvers. Sharing that knowledge is a good way to be assertive during a discussion, as this will give your ideas and research the attention they deserve. It will also lead to appreciation from others, because you have delved deeper into the matter.
Use your calmness
Assertiveness is often confused with aggressiveness and dominance, which can be an allergy for introverts. Nothing could be further from the truth. As an introvert you are most assertive if you are fully empowered, knowing both your strengths and weaknesses and acting accordingly. The inner peace that you get as a result, will then become visible and it will not go unnoticed. You don't have to become aggressive or dominant for that.
Use your introvert power
As a coach I regularly speak to introverts who mainly see what they cannot do and therefore do not see their own strength. Too bad, because that power is exactly what will make the difference for you. Do you want to stop blaming yourself for not being extroverted and learn how to embrace your introversion? Don't hesitate to contact me. We can talk about all of this in a personal conversation.
