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About the author
- Karolien Koolhof is a coach voor introverts and gifted individuals
- Author of the book Introvert Leadership
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Why 'fake it till you make it' doesn't work for introverts
Karolien Koolhof •
Every time I scroll through LinkedIn or Instagram and see a quote along the lines of "Step out of your comfort zone, that’s where the magic happens," I feel a sense of resistance. It is well-intentioned, but the advice is shaky. In fact, for an introvert, it can lead to serious trouble.
In my practice over the past seven years, I’ve seen quite a few people come in because of this. Burned out and insecure. Convinced that there is something wrong with them because that "magic" isn't happening, no matter how hard they try to perform socially desirable behavior.
There has been a proliferation of coaches and 'experience experts' in the field of introversion. Awareness is good, of course, but there is a downside. In popular psychology, introversion is increasingly treated as a cute label ("I love books and tea") or as an obstacle to be overcome with the right mindset.
As far as I’m concerned, that is too simplistic. Introversion is not a feeling. It is not shyness, and it certainly isn’t a mindset issue. It is biology, and you cannot "fake" biology.
The Myth of Makeability
In my early years as a coach, I often saw clients who thought they could 'fix' their introversion simply by acting more extraverted. Let’s call him 'Thomas'. Thomas was a brilliant analyst but got stuck in an organization where visibility was the norm.
He had read online that he "just needed to speak up more" and "show his face at networking drinks." The classic fake it till you make it. Thomas, dutiful as he was, followed that advice. He forced himself into social settings, forced himself into small talk, and ignored every signal from his body screaming for rest. The result? No promotion, but a burnout.
Why? Because the advice he received ignored how his brain works. I don’t look at surface behavior, but at the mechanisms underneath. The science is clear: the introverted brain reacts differently to the neurotransmitter dopamine than the extraverted brain. Where an extravert thrives on high stimuli and dopamine production, an introvert becomes overstimulated and exhausted by that same amount.
Telling an introvert to "just take the stage more often" without giving them the tools for recovery and energy management is like telling a diesel car to "just fill up with petrol because it’s faster." You wreck the engine.
Patterns
In the seven years I have been working day in, day out with this target group, I see a pattern that you won't always find in textbooks, but is crucial. The problem for many introverts isn't a lack of skills. The problem is that they are using the wrong strategies for their specific wiring.
I see intelligent, capable people trying to survive with extravert survival strategies. They try to network by going to crowded drinks (inefficient for them), they try to lead by being loud (exhausts them), and they try to brainstorm in groups (blocks their deep thinking process).
Another example from a recent client, 'Sarah'. Sarah was a manager and completely exhausted. "I'm just not made for leadership," she told me during our intake. "I'm too quiet." Her previous coach had advised her to take public speaking and assertiveness courses. Symptom treatment, if you ask me.
When we started digging, it turned out her problem wasn't her silence, but her lack of recovery time. She had organized her schedule like an extravert: back-to-back meetings, an open-door policy, and constant availability.
We didn't work on her mindset, but on her system. We introduced deep work blocks. We reorganized her meeting structure so she had preparation time (introverts think before they speak; extraverts think while they speak). We used data to map her energy peaks.
Within three months she hadn't become more extraverted; she was still quiet. But she was more effective, more energetic, and more present. Precisely by strengthening who she already was.
Nuance
The reality of introversion is complex. It isn't always fun. It means sometimes saying 'no' to things you enjoy simply because your battery doesn't allow it. It means accepting that you are always at a disadvantage in an open-plan office. It means you have to be strategic with your energy, where others don't have to be. And that is sometimes difficult.
I notice that I am becoming increasingly critical in my field because I see how much potential is being lost. Too many introverts keep themselves small because they try to play by rules that were not made for them.
My work over the past seven years, and the academic foundation underneath it, has taught me that the solution isn't doing more, or shouting louder. The solution lies in better understanding how the engine is tuned.
When you stop fighting your own biology, room for sustainable growth emerges. That might be less flashy than the promise of "golden mountains in three steps," but it is the only way that holds up in the long run.