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Giftedness and friendship: the right click is hard to find
Karolien Koolhof •
My good friends can be counted on one hand. If you're gifted, you may recognize this: that real click isn't easy to find. And once you've found it, you cherish it. Why is that, actually?
As a child, I found it complicated. How do you connect with people when you don't quite click with them? I decided on an adaptation strategy, but it also made me an easy target. As a sensitive child, I was quickly found by bullies.
For a long time, I thought this was my own fault. That I was too shy, too introverted. But since I've learned more about differences between people, and giftedness in particular, I understand it better. That real click is simply hard to find.
Why that click is so rare
Why is this? To begin with, there's the simple math: roughly 2 to 2.5 percent of people have an IQ of 130 or higher. That's the threshold often used for giftedness (and yes, I know the real definition of giftedness is much broader than that). So you simply have fewer people to choose from.
As early as 1942, the psychologist Leta Hollingworth described how children with a strongly deviating intellectual level find it hard to form friendships with peers. She pointed to a difference of about thirty IQ points as a threshold beyond which mutual understanding becomes difficult (Hollingworth, 1942). That research concerned exceptional cases and is old, so see it as an illustration, not a law.
Later researchers, such as Miraca Gross, did find something similar. Highly gifted children often seek friends at their own level of thinking, and those aren't always peers. They also expect more depth, loyalty, and honesty from a friendship (Gross, 2004).
On top of that, we all tend to look for people who are like us. In their review study, McPherson, Smith-Lovin, and Cook (2001) show that friendships often arise between people who have something in common, such as interests and ways of thinking. If your way of thinking is less common, the chance of meeting someone who is "the same" is also smaller.
Sensitivity
Many gifted people describe themselves as intense and sensitive. The Polish psychiatrist Kazimierz Dąbrowski called this overexcitabilities: a stronger reaction to stimuli. The research on this is mixed, and not every study finds that gifted people are more affected by it.
Independent of giftedness, high sensitivity is well researched. Aron and Aron (1997) describe sensory processing sensitivity, a personality trait found in about 15 to 20 percent of people. Sensitive people process information more deeply and are more easily affected by social signals, such as a dismissive look or a blunt remark. That makes superficial contacts more tiring and deep connection more valuable.
Adapting
My adaptation strategy is no exception. Coleman and Cross (1988) already asked whether being gifted is a social handicap. They described how gifted children sometimes hide their giftedness to fit in. Later, Cross and colleagues (1991) called this stigma management. Adapting can work in the short term, but it costs energy. You don't show a part of yourself, and that is exactly the part needed for a real click.
That it made me an easy target unfortunately also fits the research. Peterson and Ray (2006) found that two-thirds of gifted eighth graders (American eighth graders who took part in a gifted program) reported having been bullied, with being different and sensitivity named as reasons. That is one study among a specific group. The picture is therefore not clear-cut, but it does confirm what many gifted people say themselves.
The click
Research by Robin Dunbar (2018) shows that almost everyone has an inner circle of about five people, and that this number varies little. Having friends you can count on one hand is therefore not strange. The question is rather how much effort it takes to get there.
Jeffrey Hall (2019) calculated that it takes about 50 hours together to turn an acquaintance into a friend, and more than 200 hours for a close friendship. If there are few people with whom it really clicks, and it's also an investment, then it's logical that you're careful with it.
Some nuance is in order here. Review studies show that gifted people on average don't function worse socially and emotionally than others (Neihart, 1999; Neihart, Pfeiffer & Cross, 2016). What we're dealing with is a connection that is rarer and asks more of you.
Insights like these may help you look at yourself a bit more kindly. In practical terms, it also means you can search more purposefully. For example, look for places where you can find like-minded people, instead of building a large network. And when you do find someone with whom it clicks, you now know why that is worth so much.
About the author
- Karolien Koolhof is a coach for introverts and gifted individuals
- Author of the book Introvert Leadership
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